How To Know a Person

 How to Know a Person by David Brooks

This is another audio book I wish I'd read in a paper edition. I did take notes but it's not the same as having a well-underlined book to refer back to, so this one goes on my lengthening list of hard copies to track down. They're readily available at full price of course, but where's the fun in that? I'll look for a good used copy simply because I enjoy the hunt. 

It was the subtitle that first got my attention: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. Who doesn't want that? In a culture where we spend more time looking at screens than at people I wonder if anyone truly feels seen anymore. Brooks believes the greatest gift you can give someone is to make them feel seen, and with gentle wisdom and generosity of spirit he teaches us how to begin. 

He talks about Illuminators and Diminishers. Illuminators are easy to be around, people who look for the good in you, show affection, tolerate mistakes, and don't try to fit you into a category. They want to know you, to illuminate you - who you are. They see you as a unique creation, a deep well of experience and capabilities, a treasure to be discovered. Diminishers tend to keep the light on themselves, tell you their stories, their opinions, their experiences. They want to be known but show little interest in knowing you; they listen to your story, then one-up you with theirs. Instead of using the opportunity to ask about your story they redirect the conversation back to themselves and miss an opportunity to get to know you better.

He's not saying we are strictly one or the other; at times we are Illuminators and at others we are Diminishers. His goal is to help us become more illuminating and less diminishing so we can help the people we encounter feel more fully seen. 

I don't think anyone could read this book and not gain something from it. Highly recommended!